Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Seeking Normal

Well, I'm starting my second day back in Korea, and I feel like I'm trying to find "normal" again. It doesn't help that I'm already a week behind and facing a completely new schedule. I've never had night classes before, but I've got 3 this semester. I also have 6 classes, one more than I've ever had before.

I had a blitz of meetings planned for the month after I was due to return from Tanzania. One of those went ahead without me (an Advisory Council Meeting), but the rest are on hold. For right now, I'm not even planning to reschedule them until next week.

Matt said I'm walking around in a daze. Sarah said that's pretty accurate. I guess that's mostly the jet lag talking. Yesterday, I had 5-6 cups of coffee, and still felt tired. I guess flying 2/3 of the way around the world in 40 hours will do that.

I also feel a general haze of sadness. It's not a sharp pain, but it's just kind of there like a cloud or a fog. It doesn't stop me; it just kind of slows me down. I don't even notice it most of the time, but when I stop, or when I'm just walking, or when I think of it, then I can see that it's there.

It feels supremely weird to be the person being consoled by others. I've never been in this position before, but I guess I'll get used to it about the time everyone has finished saying their condolences.

This all sounds kind of sad and like I'm taking it really hard. I'm not sure how to explain it. it's not like I'm devastated, not like I can't function. It's more like being dizzy when you first stand up. I feel a little disoriented, like I just need to take some time to get my bearings again.

So I guess I'm searching for normal or the "new normal." It will come.
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