A Better Conversation about Homosexuality (Part 9): Not About Sex

This may come as a shock, but our conversation about homosexuality is not actually about sex. 
     I know sex is part of homosexuality.  It's right there in the middle of the word and in the middle of our thoughts.  But it doesn't belong in the middle of our conversation.

Photo Credit: Nick Sherman

    Our global culture tends to make desire our highest good - specifically fulfilling our desires.  17th century Dutch philosopher Baruch Spinoza would be right at home in postmodernism: "Desire is the very essence of man."
     David Fitch (a leading missional theologian) recently argued that world has a universal underlying paradigm that "desire is innate, not shaped, cannot be changed, and is who I am."  He continues: "This ... is so much part of the water we swim in, it is rarely if ever challenged. It plays deep into the psyches of the sexually charged cultures of the young. It drives the sexual controversies in society at large and in the church."  He proceeds to challenge and to break apart that paradigm.  I'd like to echo and reframe his arguments here. 

First of all, despite our cultural expectations, desire ≠ right.  
 We believe desire = right (as in good).
    Elvis started it out: "It feels so right, so right.  How can it be wrong?  ...  I know that nothing can't be wrong that feels so right."  But recent singers have carried forward this philosophy: Ne-Yo ("How can something that feels so right be so wrong?") and Carly Rae Jepsen ("Wrong feels so right").
     We have a basic cultural belief that whatever we desire is right.  If we want it bad enough, it must be inherently good - or at least good for us.  Even if it's normally bad for others, it must be good for us.
    However, we know that desire is a fickle thing and not a faithful barometer for ethics.  My desire for five bratwursts in two days during was not a good thing.  One of the essential elements of criminal prosecution is proving that the accused had sufficient motive (desire) for the crime.  We know that desire can easily lead us astray.

We also believe that desire = right (as in having a right to something).  
If I really desire it, then I have a right to it.   The US Declaration of Independence has enshrined our right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" in our national documents, but the entire world has this motto etched on our minds.  Do not stand in the way between humans and our desires.  That is a good way to get yourself killed.

A Better Conversation about Homosexuality (Part 5): Not about Nature vs. Nurture

     Are people born this way?  Or are they shaped this way by experience?

Photo Credit: McBeth

People often think the "nature vs. nurture" debate is extremely important.  

     For gay-affirming people, the argument for "nature" usually goes something like this.  
1. I was born gay.  I always knew I was different.  I knew from a very early age that I liked girls instead of boys.
2. If I was born this way, then God made me this way.
3. God doesn't make mistakes.  I am beautiful and good as God's beloved child.
4. My homosexual orientation is a good, God-given part of my nature.
5. I can live as a practicing homosexual and still honor the God who made me this way.

     For people who reject homosexual practice in all formats, the argument for "nurture" usually goes something like this.
1. Most gay people experienced some kind of abuse or poor parenting.  
2. Those experiences unfortunately warped the person's sexual desires toward homosexuality instead of their God-given heterosexuality.
3. Acting on those desires is a choice, and the gay person should pray and work for a reorientation to God-honoring heterosexual desires.

A Better Conversation about Homosexuality (Part 3): Not About an Orientation

Photo Credit: Umayyr

The conversation that the church is having is not about homosexuality as an orientation.  

     In a statement on homosexuality, my own denomination puts it like this:
The Bible says nothing about homosexuality as the term is often used today. Homosexuality is often used today to describe a person’s sexual orientation. The Bible does not address homosexual orientation.  What the Bible does talk about are homosexual acts. … Sexual orientation is not usually a willful choice.  …  It is amoral, neither moral nor immoral.  Sexual behavior is a moral choice.

     Being gay is not sinful.  Having the sexual orientation toward the same sex is not sinful or evil.  It is amoral.  Sin is in the action or intention, not in the desire or tendency.

True Confession: I am oriented to eating donuts by the dozen.
And whole pizzas, and vats of guacamole, and entire pecan pies.  I could eat an entire half-gallon of ice cream without flinching.  I am oriented to destructive overeating.  That orientation is not sinful in itself.  Camping out in Krispe Kreme is.  Sin is not in the desire.  Sin is in the action.  Holiness and health come in disciplining the desire for the sake of right action.

True Confession: I am a raging heterosexual.

A Better Conversation about Homosexuality (Part 2): 4 Reasons We Need to Talk

One of the most common responses to this series so far is: “Why do we even need to talk about this?”  My conservative brothers and sisters feel that discussion is pointless because the Bible gives a clear prohibition against homosexual activity in all forms.  As one friend said, “Are we going to decide that God was wrong?”
Here are 4 reasons we need to talk about homosexuality.

1. Kids are dying.  LBGT (Lesbian, Bi, Gay, Transgender) teens and young adults are four times more likely to attempt suicide than straight kids.  When LBGT kids experience rejection from their families, they are eight times more likely to try to kill themselves.  No matter our theological position, we have an ethical responsibility to cultivate an environment that keeps our kids alive, no matter their questions and orientations.

2. The world is talking about this.  Not only are our collective opinions changing rapidly, but also as a culture, we're having this conversation openly.  Even people who don't identify as Christians or frequent a church are actively making religious connections in this conversation about homosexuality.  Consider this song by Macklemore and Mary Lambert:

A Better Conversation about Homosexuality (Part 1)

Photo by Burstein!

Obviously, homosexuality is one of the hottest and most controversial topics of our time. We have experienced rapid social change both in secular society and in the church. (See my discussion about World Vision for more on these changes.)  

However, it seems to me that we are not actually having this discussion with grace and wisdom. First of all, our debates are very muddy. We are arguing and arguing, but we are meaning different things with our words.  People are anxious and confused and angry on all sides, but most of us don't even understand what the real issues are and where the real points of debate exist. Secondly, because gay marriage is so polarizing, we tend to veer to extremes of both emotion and logic. We can quickly descend into name calling, judgmentalism, fear tactics, and personal attacks - often without even realizing how far we've fallen.

For the next few months, I'm going to write about how to have a better conversation about homosexuality within the church. I'm just one voice among many, but I feel compelled to add my voice - not to the debate itself but to the shaping of the conversation. When we have this conversation in the wrong ways:

• We add to the polarization that is already ripping us apart.
• We can push people away from Jesus and the church.
• We can make people feel that we are attacking and condemning who they are as people.
• We can unnecessarily divide and damage the church.
• We can cause people to hate or to discount the Bible.

However, if we have this conversation in healthy, grace-filled ways, the conversation itself can do all kinds of good things:

• It teach us respect for each other.
• It can give us a fresh love and honor for the Bible.
• It can teach us how to work through difficult issues while maintaining Christian unity (something the New Testament actually talks a lot about).
• It can humble us by reminding us that our way of understanding life and the Bible is not always the only way an intelligent and holy person can understand the same things.
• It can actually connect us more deeply with the God who loves us all.

The Value in Understanding "the Other Side"

Photo by: baejaar

Last week, I blogged about how World Vision shifted the center on the gay marriage debate, and naturally lots of people commented.  One particular train of comments merits a new post.

LL: As someone who is on the other side of this debate I would ask why homosexual marriage is supported but polygamy is usually not? Is everyone here pro-polygamy too?

Me: First of all, I'm not on a side in this debate. I'm just saying we need to have the debate openly and without burning people at the stake. Secondly, polygamy is not a debated issue in the church. Gay marriage is. Again, I'm just saying we need to be honest that this issue is in dispute among large portions of the Church and have an open and honest debate about all facets of this issue.

LL: I'm just not sure WHY it's a discussion in the church since Scripture speaks so plainly to the issue. "Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, will inherit the kingdom of God."

So, if their sin is going to keep them from the kingdom of heaven, then why would we not be pleading with them to leave their sin behind? Why would we encourage and support the sin that will eventually keep them from the kingdom of heaven?

Me: Short answer: if you don't understand why there is a debate about this, then you need to do more research. Read some (or a lot) of the material "from the other side." You don't need to agree, but you do need to understand how people can be sane, reasonable, intelligent, maybe even godly and bible-believing and still be traditional, undecided, or affirming. People can genuinely love Jesus and totally disagree on this.
Long answer takes way too much time for this forum (originally on Facebook).

LL: I really don't understand why there is a debate about this. If the Bible says that something is sinful and those who practice it will be left out of heaven, then what is there to talk about?  What more research is there to do?  Will more research show that God was wrong?

And here's my response: 

(1) The value in researching "the other side" is far more than trying to decide if their opinions are correct.  The value is in understanding how and why they believe what they do.  As I began researching the gay-affirming side on this issue, I changed from "they must be crazy or not-Christian or completely rejecting the Bible" to "Oh, I don't agree with everything they are saying, but at least I understand how they can believe that and think that and still be a faithful Christian."  Researching the other side is extremely important for compassion and Christian unity.

World Vision Shifted the Center on Gay Marriage: Facts, Implications, & Questions

World Vision is blowing up the internet via gay marriage.  What's going on?

THE FACTS:
Just in case you've been living under a rock, let me update you on some of the basics.

1. Rapid Legal Change. The United States is experiencing radical and rapid changes in our cultural and legal stances on gay marriage.  At the beginning of 1999, no states allowed same-sex marriages or civil unions.  Now, 15 years later, 17 states have legalized gay marriage; 4 have legalized same-sex civil unions; and federal courts have struck down gay-marraige bans as unconstitutional in 5 states.  That's a total of 26 states in which gay marriage or civil unions are considered legal (at least by federal courts).  If you can do the math, that's a majority of US states.  Zero to majority in 15 years.  That's fast.  (See this map for a very helpful visualization of this change.)

2. Change within the Church.  Officially, a few large denominations have accepted gay marriages or unions or given room for local churches and pastors to make their own decisions (eg. Episcopals, some Lutherans groups, United Church of Christ, and Presbyterians).  Acting independent of their denominations, quite a few Christian leaders have come out in favor of gay marriage, and some pastors are performing gay marriages or blessing gay "unions" despite prohibitions from their denominations.  Furthermore, within the larger Christian Church, opinions "in the pews" are changing much faster.  According to this Gallup Poll, 66% of Catholics and 41% of Protestants say "gay/lesbian relations are morally acceptable."  Other studies show (like this one), those numbers skyrocket among people under 40 and even more for people under 25.  All of this is a drastic change in a very short time.

3. World Vision Changed Policy about Gay Marriage.  On March 24, Rich Stearns (WV's US President) announced that WV "will now permit Gay Christians in legal same-sex marriages to be employed" at WV.  (If you don't know, World Vision is one of the largest and most respected Christian charities in the world.)  Basically, they made a small change in their "Code of Conduct" to reflect the changes mentioned above - including gay marriage as a form of marriage.  They still expect their employees to abstain from any sex outside of marriage.  The rational was simple (even if bold).  WV has a simple mission: to reduce poverty around the world.  WV has consistently refused to take stances on divisive issues within the Church: divorce/remarriage, abortion, modes of baptism, women in leadership, evolution, etc.  Given the extreme debates currently happening, gay marriage is CLEARLY a debatable issue for Christians (as in it is being debated), and this issue is extremely divisive and emotional.  So WV was trying to take a neutral stance to stay out of the debate.  WV was trying to say, "Some of our partners think gay marriage is OK, and some don't.  We're going to remain neutral and let you guys sort that out yourselves so that we can all work together to combat poverty." Alas, that didn't work - see the next fact.